I should be working.

Either that or napping but for some reason I feel the need to write in this something that no one reads because I hope that it will alleviate at least a little bit of my anxiety. Many thoughts are plaguing my head and I can't seem to pry them out with even a crowbar. First of all, I have atrocious grades in all my classes which should not be a surprise to me because I can never ever bring myself to sit down and do work at a reasonable hour like all my other friends. I have Cs in all my classes but Discover New York and what does that count for? That's right, absolutely nothing. This is very clearly because of my lack of studying but also because I have not purchased any of the books I need for my classes. In fact, I don't think I have picked up this thing called a book in maybe a year, even though I used to be reading queen. These grades I have been keeping from my parents, telling them I am studying every time they call while going back to hanging out with my friends after I hang up. I don't know how I am going to hide this once they receive my midterm grades and I don't know how I am going to fill out transfer applications and get into anywhere. I don't understand how I can be doing so poorly in journalism of all classes. Even though I clearly don't put much effort into my studies, I still like to excuse myself by thinking that actually reading assigned books will do nothing for me and I am at the peak of my potential. Also, I feel like a lot of my teachers have this vendetta against me and pick apart every single little thing I write, and I have never felt like more of a dumbass than now. My attendance is slipping, there is not reason why I should have all these absences but everyone needs a good mental breakdown day, or you know, six of them. I don't know why I am doing this to myself. I feel like I have changed so much of me moving here from my appearance to my attitude but is this a good thing? I don't really know who I am anymore, I still feel like some lifeless zombie just trying to get by. I feel like I am most of the time rushing to do something, or go somewhere, I don't know what or where to just keep my mind off of the reality of my life and the things that plague me. I can't tell anymore whether I have moved on from my heartbreak or whether I am just too numb and drained and empty to even care anymore. Nothing would surprise, really, nothing would. I don't feel a thing but this is probably because my body and heart has been covered in that flouride the dentist puts on your mouth so you don't feel him scraping away at your cavities. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I am moving on, having these dumb crushes on people but I cannot act upon them because by advertising them I put myself in a very awkward position. Also, I am too incredibly non-suave to so much as look at someone I find attractive. I wish I could just depend on myself to get the job done. But the thing is, am I ready? Really ready to scope out the market? It's not right to move so quickly because I want to learn to be independent and self-respecting but for some reason I feel the need to have people constantly reminding me that I don't suck and that I'm not as ugly and worthless and he left me feeling. Am I scarred for life? What is truly going on with my body and my mind and my heart? I can't figure myself out while I think that everyone else has. I just have to wonder if I am an easy target for people. It seems to me I let no one in but yet some still find intricate ways to get to me and to hurt me. I DON'T NEED ANY OF IT. I have never wanted to go back in time more than I have recently to fix it all, everything. I want to not have this void in the first place. I want to be able to be strong and studious and friendly while also going to bed at reasonable hours before 4 or 5 AM. I just don't even know what I want anymore, from myself or anyone around me. I feel so lucky for the people I've met and the care they've shown for me but I don't know if the numbness will ever go away. Why?