Despite what you think,

We actually have a lot in common. Today I went to the city and walked around. I cannot seem to quit smoking, I think I've waged war on my lungs. I didn't realize that Apple headphones were a ridiculous $29 so I made a useless walk down 5th Avenue. I am going to go see Ben Kweller in March and Adele in May. I am seeking transfer schools. I feel very lonely in New York because I have few friends left and I have a false perception of the validity of my friendship with "good" friends. I wish Fionn Regan would tour in the U.S., I would die. I've never heard such beautiful lyrics like the ones he writes. Sometimes I wonder if I am the kind of girl that anyone would write lyrics like that for. Or if I'm even the kind of girl that people have any sort of deep, admiring thoughts about, because I certainly examine each and every person I walk past and think certain things about them, most of them inquisitive. I guess what I am getting it is that sometimes I see a person and I wonder what I could do to get their attention or think to myself: what if I developed some sort of friendship and/or relationship with this person? How would they see me? Would they tell me: Oh I was mesmerized by you the second I saw you, like I was about them? But I guess that is natural in a city like New York. I do not believe in love much at the moment. And strangely I make comments all the time about how I am not interested in anyone nor do I seek any kind of romantic tie with a person but honestly, it was never that easy for me to just be in a relationship. I mean, I've had only 3 boyfriends my entire life, 2 of whom only lasted a couple of months. I've never been the type of person to just casually date because I am so insecure. So really when I talk about how I don't want to hook up with anyone or be with anyone it is probably because I couldn't actually get anyone to do this with. I don't think I look like I've been drowned in the Hudson nor do I think my personality is atrocious, I just think I am naturally very socially awkward. And insecure. Fuck it none of that really matters. I keep thinking: when it comes, it will be great, but I'm very tired of being just there and not really ideal for anyone. Plus, I really miss having that kind of best friend. Someone for whom I would be a priority for in terms of friends and lovers. Fuck it, I would really like to just even have a girlfriend like that, that can just care about my friendship equally as much as I care about my friendship with them. I am working on getting an apartment in Brooklyn. I am working on getting an internship at the UN. I am working on work. I am working on sleeping now.

I know you are not going to fix things between us but I am tired of admitting fault in my personality. Truth is, you have never admitted defeat to me and I always succumb to your wishes because I don't want to lose you but this has to be 2-sided and I don't want to apologize for the way I am anymore because I am not Satan and I have been a good friend to you. Maybe one day you will realize that, whether tomorrow or 10 years from now... but I am not the bad guy here and this is not what we were about... ever.