I don't know how I let myself slip up but I vow to never do it again in my life.

New York City is lovely, but New York City is also lonely. I live in a 10 story building in the middle of Tribeca, about 2 streets down from the WTC site. Even if I had saved up money all my life, I would not be able to afford living here under normal circumstances. I often change with my blinds wide open because I can't risk losing the view for even a second. There is a bar across the street that doesn't card and I might start calling it home. Last night I drank 5 hard drinks and topped them off with a White Russian. I had to restrain my vomit all night and I made sure to sleep face down. There is a guy that is confusing me very much but I'm pretty sure I seem pretty crazy at this point to him and "abandon mission" flashes every time I blink. I miss my home but on the sunny side, it seems like my parents are falling for each other again. I guess being 3000 miles away is a nice sacrifice after all. I've been listening to Okkervil River a lot lately and the idea of unrequited love haunts me. Are we really always meant to love someone who doesn't love us back equally/be loved by someone that we will never love because we are so stuck on that first love? This is probably untrue but love is a mute point for me and it sure does seem like this cycle is eternal. I hope I can learn to 'hit the books' like I promised myself I would this year, granted I haven't done so in about 5 years. I find being here very bitter-sweet and I'd like to snap out of it, but I guess Sylvia Plath is my favorite author for a reason. The other day I walked past 3 twenty-somethings that shouted "You're gorgeous!" followed by "No you're not." I'm not sure whether this was because I ignored them or because I am, as a matter of fact, a beast. I can't stop myself from thinking all the missed chances and scenarios I had with you, it was so obvious it was something, and now it's nothing. On another note, I can't believe the monster you have become, this monster I have made you into, shit. I don't like this all preceding me and following me around like a storm cloud over my head on a sunny day. I am now a Politics major, which is strange because my shallow socialist thoughts aren't of worth to anyone, except for myself I suppose. In my little world Marx is totally legitimate. I'm waiting for my adventures here to start, because right now the lives of the window-washers a building across from me seem to be a little more eccentric than mine. What a bratty thing to say. I think I need to stop looking and I need to stop waiting and I need to start living. Maybe I need to stop thinking as well, which is why I shall now go to sleep.