Dear St. John's University and staff...

Can I get a fuck you?

Today was not the luckiest of days for me at this institution and so I would like to complain about everything that is shit about the administration of this school. First of all, today I was told I had to pay a hefty $50 fine for staying in Hollis during our mock fire drill. I had a hearing that I soon realized there was no point in attending because Mr. Administrator-I-have-an-office-in-a-residence-hall-because-I'm-not-important-enough-to-have-a-real-office had made up his mind about me long ago. He preached to me how I have a violation now which can range from a formal warning to EXPULSION, where he added an extra pause for suspense as though I was supposed to be shaking in my loins because I could actually be expelled for something so trivial. Mr. I-suck-my-own-dick also informed me that I COULD'VE DIED in this faux fire and he didn't want to be the one calling my parents telling them that I was in the hospital with 3rd degree burns. First of all, Mr. Sir, I can assure you that my parents will not sue you if I were to roast my skin during a fire and also, if I chose to die, THEN SO BE IT ASSHOLE. He then waved the red card around yet again about how he could PUT ME ON HOLD FOR DORMS next year and that it could be worse and proceeded to bang his chest with his fists King Kong style to re-assure his superior standing among mere mortals such as myself. And as he handed me his business card and asked me to contact him for any questions and I thought of three in my head immediately, 1. Did this clown even go to college?, 2. Where is the nearest recycling bin?, and 3. How does a man so thoroughly suck his own dick? I mean 50 dollars really? Doesn't this school get enough of our money in jacked up tuition every semester, not to mention from the "required" books in class that only exist in the school bookstore. Something about paying $90 for a Public Speaking book this year and only utilizing 3 sheets of it really grinds my gears.

I have also noticed that at St. John's the administration is always right. And I mean, absolutely always. For example, a massive amount of final transcripts have been misplaced and therefore, numerous people have holds on their accounts. And yet, when I let my freshman advisor know about this she immediately interrupted me and said, "NO I ASSURE YOU THE SYSTEM IS ACTUALLY VERY ORGANIZED, THE TRANSCRIPTS ARE RECORDED RIGHT WHEN RECEIVED". Which I couldn't contradict her because when she checked on her magic computer she realized that my transcript was in fact on file, which meant I was not supposed to have a hold, which in the end means that she is wrong and a dumb bitch. Students are pretty much the scum of the earth at St. John's. Good kids get in so much trouble, what with all the drug and alcohol busts. It's college people! Give it a rest. I wonder if RA's realize that they could possibly ruin someone's life by busting them for having a beer in their room. I mean, scholarships, financial aid, it can all be taken away for something as insignificant as that. So congratulations RA on the 4th floor of Hollis for getting your first bust, now please proceed to suck your BRAH boyfriend's dick in the prayer room or whatever the fuck kind of privilege you get now for being such a complete bitch.

Everything at St. John's is like junior high school. I thought once upon a time that it was nice that we had all these rules because it was a good transition from high school to college so as to not go completely crazy on freedom. But for St. John's, a student fuck-up is immediate dollar signs in their eyes. From not signing someone out to denting walls in the already crumbling residence halls, everything is monetary. I cannot even explain how pissed off I am that I have to pay $25 if I want to get a properly working Stormcard since mine has been consistently butt-fucked by the slidey slots and therefore, the barcode is peeling off. MY BAD, I'm obviously trying to damage this card because I would really enjoy not being able to eat food or get into my room.

I have an idea! How about FUCKING SOMEONE at St. John's shows some sort of true concern for student's safety and fixes the god damn elevators in Hollis that drop a floor every 10th time I am in them and cause me to scream for my life.

And this is completely irrelevant but don't you guys fucking hate it when you are walking to class or anywhere and some complete stranger feels compelled to walk right next to you, at the same pace? You try to speed up, you try to slow down, but this asshole just does not seem to leave you and you have to wonder whether they want a conversation or a make-out session or what because being raped by them seems less awkward than having to deal with synchronized stepping with an annoying bitch. Or how about when you go into the elevator at 8 AM and some asshole just HAS to have Linkin Park or some annoying shit like that blaring into their eardrums so loud that it seems the laundry room could hear their cries for attention? I mean, I don't know if some people are into bleeding ears but when I am half awake in the morning, the last thing I want to hear is terrible, emotional screaming from 40-something-year-old telling me he is one step closer to the edge, BRO. TURN THAT SHIT OFF.

I think everything annoyed me today. Even the fact that only one given door is unlocked at Montgoris when you are leaving, which caused me to run into a glass door on the way out.

Happy holidays!