What Am I Doing With My Life?

Being home has proven to be pretty fun. My relationship with my parents is/was/has been in the gutter and it seems like that is something that will never change and is certainly too adamant to do so. It makes me extremely sad, all I wanted was to achieve some sort of closeness with my family at some point in my life, I don't want to be 40 and barely speak to my parents. I love them too much to ever do anything like that but my past with them is so unpleasant and I doubt they will ever let go of my failed tennis star career. Breaking my foot marked the end of that stage of life so definitively. I heard something this weekend. "What's the point in having kids? You are just raising something that is eventually going to hate you". This made me really think because it's so true. I mean, I don't hate my parents, and I think maybe people feel the same about their own parents, but ultimately once people hit their teens it's like a constant battle-zone with their parents. That's so ridiculously sad. I wish there was a correct way.
This week consisted in my watching a lot of TV, hanging out with Jaz, Jackson, eating Bueno finally, viciously fighting with mom and dad, going to Peace Pipe and getting really fucked up off meds and MadDog (supa hip), smoking lotsa weed, sleeping, and feeling generally useless. I'm so extremely numb and while I'm having a lot of fun, I feel pretty empty. I just try to shut it all out, there's no point in reminiscing because it will never come back. That seems impossible to accept, my previous best friend and person I saw day in and day out for a year to share everything with, is now an abrupt stranger. It's all so over-played, my head just keeps reeling around it all like it's a broken VHS. All I can do is shut it out until I'm laying in bed at 5 AM unable to sleep.
None of it really matters anymore, this far along in time. It's probably just the weed talking, over-complicating simple things in my head, like the unsatifactory fact that life just is... With no answers or pity or road maps. It's just a complete blank slate, and I just feel so lost in it, sending out smoke signals and such (IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE! SCORE! I love Dallas weed).

Hello life, let's rewind, why are you so quick, unmerciful, and unguided?