Dallas you have been my saviour!

I've had this weird soul-revival being home this winter break. I just feel so positive in general and I feel like I am over everything and that I am back to being my old self only with more things to do because I am not tied down. I've been awakened from my previous lifestyle and it's about damn time. New York is going to be so awesome and I will have more freedom to do the things I can't do here but I am going to miss my snug little house and just the personal space in general. I am just very happy... I feel like my past makes more sense now and I am seeing things clearly... Being with someone is not on my mind at all nor is hooking up with anyone because that doesn't fulfill anything for me. I guess I have a couple of non-sense crushes but I am focusing more on loving myself for once in my life. I will never make the same mistakes again.

I liked the familiarity of being with him like that's how things belonged in that perfect delicate balance as simple as my cup in his car's cup-holder asserting my existence in his life. The perfection of the position of his arm around me, we were compatible heights, compatible shapes, like the puzzles I liked putting together. It felt like all was right in the world but at the same time like a weak gust of wind could topple it all over. My certain importance and value in someone's life and heart... all seemed effortless. Yet was all a lie, or maybe like something my imagination dreamed up and over-analyzed into a comfortable, hazy oblivion making me too blind to see that you were anything but the perfect, romantic, love-drenched idea I built you up to be. A gust of wind from the North is all it took anyway.

I am getting a job as soon at I am in Queens and saving up for an apartment in New York. Also I need to do better in school, figure out where I am going to go next year as well. I think that once I start doing what I'm supposed to be doing anyway to help myself, everything else will fall into place. I hope to someday find love, and to find the real kind of love that I have yet to experience. A mutual love. But I think I have a lot of time, my heart is pretty scarred but I know what I am looking for now. I know, I know, I know. I just know. I know more than I knew before.

I really want a ferret. Also I am going to see My Bloody Valentine 3D tomorrow and I am so amped!