I want to understand you, God knows I've been trying all along. What is with my head?
I'm home in Dallas, my mother underwent surgery, she is a nightmare to live with. Back to New York tomorrow. Back to confusion, uneasiness, and coercing myself into believing fallacies. I just want to drink and drink and maybe drown my liver one of these days. This has to make sense one day, I have got to be okay one day. Why is Dallas one big cluster fuck of memories I can't get rid of? Feeling so out of my element, like I'm trying to learn how to live life in my hometown all over again. And the feelings never go away. When will I just feel okay being? I swear I could gut you like the rat you are but then sew your entrails back into your body so that we could lay in the park, on the slides, and talk about the future. I'd push you against a tree, take off your shirt, and soon we'd be covered in dirt from tossing and turning and rubbing but I know it's not you that I want. Not anymore. I want to mold you, maybe scream in your ears and tell you that I fucking get it, I get what you are trying to say, I get how you fucking feel, I feel it too. The main problem and difference is that I seek a constant placeholder for my loneliness and you seek loneliness. Sometimes it's okay to let go of your inhibitions. But I'm no longer one to teach you that lesson, that's someone else's blessing now. I still see the emptiness in your eyes. I hope you can feel okay. I'm learning. But what feels the void of not having one single, solitary person to really understand you? Happy Easter, what the fuck. It's scary for me to nod my head at all you express but it's so undeniably true.