I wish me and you could save up some money and go on an overseas adventure to Europe to see all the beautiful faces and places. We wouldn't even have to be in love, just tolerate each other enough to escape from everyone and everything. And maybe you could cuddle me at night sometimes. Maybe we could make love. But in the morning, it wouldn't even matter, we would both just continue being two incredibly scorned people who need to be productive to not feel empty. Maybe two people that need constant company with no expectations and no hurt feelings. Because after all, we are not each other's priorities, we are only friends. I could take a lot of pictures to document our trip. Pictures at the lake, pictures in landmarks, pictures of us having fun. I know I am not your missing piece, and you are not mine, but we could have something. A little bit of something. You are the closest thing to "that" I have, but it's a nice little haze.

I've found I am most happy when I am doing things, from flossing my teeth to sorting photographs. Everything I write feels so robotically redundant, it makes me hate myself a bit. May is over, I haven't accomplished much. I have a job interview at Buffalo tomorrow, I hope they like me, clothes are the only thing I like. I'm trying to lose weight, but then again it seems like every girl is also. How pathetic that I cross my fingers and hope that that will make you like me more. Maybe a job will make these days go by a little quicker because I've realized that life is kind of boring when I have a plan of what I'm going to be doing. But I suppose that paranoia about the future is not very pleasant either. I don't think about you much anymore, I just wonder what you think you are doing and how you never finish what you start. I would really like to mostly wake up before 3 PM. 3 months before school starts all over again? The thought entices me and scares me a little, especially since I've had a taste of familiarity from being home and somewhat going back to the way my life was prior to New York. I am going to be 20 so soon. Now that's a crazy thought. I will no longer be a teenager... but I don't feel like I've changed much or at all. I sure as hell am not any more ready for life than I was when I was in 9th grade. I don't know what else to write about anymore, nothing seems very interesting.