Nostalgia.

I keep recalling all the sweet moments Spencer and I shared. It overwhelms me to think about how ridiculously happy I was thanks to him because I felt like a princess. I remember saying, "How are you real?" almost everyday. My favorite memory will always be us showering and kissing while listening to Fionn Regan with the strong scent of Irish Spring around us. I don't think I will be able to listen to "Be Good Or Be Gone" ever again without bursting into tears. Also, I remember tickling in his playroom under the blankets to the point where we couldn't breathe and his parents had to walk in and tell us to be quiet. I remember him pinning me down to try to stop me from leaving his home after every petty thing I got angry at. I recall freaking out because I found out he had lied to me about smoking a cigarette, then screaming my head off when he accidentally ripped my dress when I got from the couch because he was sitting on it. And it comes to me now that at that point I was just like every annoying girlfriend that complains about trivial things. It was almost as though I liked doing these things to pull out some emotion from him. As though him loving me wasn't enough and I simply needed to make him sad in order to be convinced. The poor boy is now drained. These memories creep into my mind randomly and make me tear up. I try to shut them down but then I start thinking, if I just avoid thinking about this, won't it eat me alive for my whole life? Or is it better to just ignore it all in hopes that one day not one simgle neuron in my body feels sadness for our past? Truth is, no matter how naive it sounds, I did think I was going to marry him. When something is so pure and innocent, oh and it involves about 10 songs written about you, you can't help but think about your children being named Atticus and Nebula and you can't help but imagine traveling around the world with the person you love and you can't help but look at apartments that you hope to share with them. I miss him so much but there is nothing more I can do, since he has made it clear to me he is not interested in me anymore. My pleading gets me nowhere now and all I can do is give it all time, only I have never particularly been a patient person. Even if I wait a light year, nothing will guarantee me a spot in his heart again and insecurity is really what drives me crazy. So here I am, trying to reach my goal of leaving him to be on his own even though he might never come back to me while trying to become a strong girl again even though he was my backbone and I just ask myself the same question every solitary morning: where is my fresh start?