Your co-worker's apartment...

Where we would have sex at.

So being lonely I can't help but over-analyze the shit out of something that seems to be exhausted from analyzation. I say I won't talk about it but I am a liar and always do here comes round 101 of the same thing.
I've been thinking, everyone tells me, you know this happens to everyone, your first love breaks your heart, you move on, and you find someone better. Everyone says, a year was not that long. And I've just been thinking, they're right, it's not that long. But I have found an explanation for why I am in the position I am in. It's taking me so long to get over this because even though it was only a year, it was the most important year of my life. I made all important decisions that will follow me for the rest of my life during my year with Spencer. He influenced me so greatly in every aspect of my life. So even though I have 17 other years to pay attention to, it seems like all my work, everything leading up to my last year at home, culminated with the choices I made while with Spencer. It's something I'm having trouble dealing with, everything I worked for was decided my senior year, and in the end, it was nothing I wanted. I mean, I found love sure. But it was basically my last year of innocence and dependency and yet, I did not spend it in a memorable way, with my family, or my friends, I spent it with someone I loved, and also, someone who abandoned me, so it's very difficult to not associate my entire life with him. It sucks to think about it in this way but it is just honestly what I feel at this point in my life. I should stop thinking about it all, I know, but it seems like he marks my last 18 years of life, my life in Dallas, everything. And he in part, decided my newly independent future. My time with him was also the first time I had ever truly let go of my inhibitions and just focused on my love and devotion toward one person so blindly. I don't want to learn to not do that, I didn't want to learn like I had to. I just really thought it was right, I really thought it was the right thing to do, it felt so incredibly right and beautiful. I lost so much of myself in him. It shouldn't be like that should it? I feel like my decisions with him changed the entire path of my life. People say it takes half the time you dated someone to get over them... but he changed all I ever hoped for, all I ever imagined, so does that mean it will take me 9 years? I know it's a ridiculous thought, I'm so tired of being this heartbroken lamb in this lonely city. I don't belong here but at the same time I love it so much because of the promises it holds, or the promises it once held? I need distance but I'm scared of distance at the same time. I guess when you get to the core of things, I can't seem to get around the fact that this person had this immense effect on me when it seems like I don't ever cross his mind anymore. It's part of life, to let go and accept that people enter your life and leave, sometimes unexpectedly, but that's what I don't understand. That's not fair. In the meantime... I'm trying to accept it, I'm trying to not hold on, I'm trying to say goodbye but it occurs to me that 3 months later... there hasn't been a day I haven't thought about it all, there hasn't been a day I haven't thought about you.

STOP.